“If you’re in an abusive relation do not ever think you need to stay for any reason. Do not ever let anyone tell you that they know you better then you know yourself – that’s absolute bullshit”. Domestic violence survivor Katie.
Young mum Katie will never let anyone control her life again ♥️
How four years of domestic violence almost broke me…
It was only just recently that I realised what “narcissist” meant. My ex called me it. He was always asked me how to spell three-letter words so how on earth did he know what that meant yet I did not. So I finally got the courage up to look up what it meant. I saw an article on The RED HEART Campaign Facebook page and it hit me.
I’d been played for the last four years by the most evilest person I have ever met. Once I realised what “narcissist” meant, his behaviour became clearer and clearer. I have now – after four years of abuse – completely cut him out of mine and my children’s lives.
I initially left him almost two years ago when police filed a domestic violence order against him after they watched he abusing me on the side of the road. I never realised how he manipulated me or that it wasn’t OK. It has taken me two years to finally feel good about myself – to realise that everything bad he ever said about me wasn’t true.
The rages, the violence, the abuse – it never ended…
There were so many violent rages and attacks I don’t even know where to start. We were together for a year when I found out I was pregnant with our son. He, as usual, accused me of sleeping around and he claimed the baby probably wasn’t even his. He used to talk to the baby in my belly, telling the little one how much of a “slut” I was, but it’ll be okay because he’ll always be there to “show you (our child) the proper way”.
His grandfather had recently passed away and he couldn’t deal with anything bad – he would lose his shit. Once he cut his arms open while my daughter was asleep in the same room. I kicked him out with blood dripping down his arms. I do not tolerate people trying to kill themselves for attention and this wasn’t the first time he’d done it.
His mother ended up calling me begging me to let him come back. A couple of days later he told me to come to a certain park. So I went there. He had a blanket with things like love hear pillows. He proposed. I fell for his games again.
I remember when he first assaulted me. He put his hands around my neck. In shock I asked him what the hell he was doing. His response was “Nothing. I didn’t do anything.” I was like “you just had your hands around my neck.” His response again was “No I didn’t. You’re a fucking delusional bitch.”
During my pregnancy he was great – he quit the drugs and didn’t drink as much. It wasn’t until after I had my boy that he started fucking off, he wouldn’t come home for days. Then when he would come home, he was scattered as all hell and attacking me as usual.
Then one day someone ripped him off for some weed and all hell broke loose. I soon realised he was using ice. At first I didn’t know about it, but eventually I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t allow it in my house so he’d go to this place around the corner and come back off his head. He would tell me about the “whores” they had up there “sucking dick for rock”. And because I’m a girl I “must do that”. I have a lot of morals that I am proud about and this was something I’d never do.
He used our son as a tool to torment and hurt me…
One weekend he locked me inside the house for four days. He was so high he screamed at me the whole time about how there was video footage of me sucking some grub’s dick for ice. I asked to see the footage but no – all he did was keep screaming. I just stopped trying to stick up for myself In the end. I wasn’t getting anywhere and just laid there. I even remember trying to put our boy back to sleep while he was still screaming at me.
I just laid there for days while he screamed at me. I wasn’t allowed to leave and I wasn’t allowed to answer my phone. I had to pick my daughter up but he wouldn’t let me. I was two days late – her dad was trying to contact me. He knew something was wrong. Then my abuser went for a shower and I grabbed our boy and ran for my car. I just about got out of the driveway but he jumped on the bonnet.
He was screaming at me to give him his son back. He always used our son as a tool against me. He got in the car but didn’t realise police were watching. He screamed at me the whole time. At one point he ripped the hand-break up and my car slid off the road and into a ditch. I had no choice but to punch him in the face. His nose was bleeding everywhere. Then I looked up and saw we were surrounded by police. They told us to get out of the car.
They separated us and a lady police officer let me take my boy out and cuddle him. The whole time my abuser was screaming shit at me – abusing me in front of the police. They ended up arresting him and then he started screaming at me “this is your fault – you should be arrested. Arrest her – look at my face.” I told the police officer what happened but not in full detail though. I also told her I was late picking up my girl and I had to go there.
She told me I had to give her the address and I wasn’t allowed to leave until police came to hand me the paperwork. It was that day, when I read the police report that stated how he was so abusive and manipulative that I realised his behaviour wasn’t OK and he was actually manipulating and abusing me the whole time. I was so stupid. I kept letting him back in because I felt so guilty. I always let him see his son though.
There was just no escaping him…
I never had a choice. I was always threatened or hurt and constantly every single day being abused. So I moved to the Gold Coast trying to get away from him. He found out where I lived and broke in numerous times. He attacked me. He threatened me. He had bullets shoved in my face – telling me if I ever did that again “this will be my bullet to my head”. One night I woke up to banging on my door. It was midnight and just after my son’s first birthday. I was lived in a two-bedroom hotel suite with my kids and there was no peephole on the door.
He pushed his way in and woke the kids up because he wanted to give our son his birthday presents. I was so angry that he thought it was OK to wake my kids up at midnight for that. After I put the kids back to sleep, my abuser was so drunk as usual – beyond the point of being drunk. He was a completely different person. I got thrown into bedside tables and walls. He attacked me with my favourite canvas, beating me with it. But I still got back up and looked him in the eyes.
He headbutted me at one point and I was seeing stars. I still got back up. He put me in a choke hold then choked me until I passed out. I woke up to him pouring water down my throat. I got back up and was like “what the fuck? You choked me until I passed out, then what tried drowning me.” His response again was “No you’re so delusional. You are so fucked up you don’t even know what’s going on anymore.” I was like “I’m sober; I’m always fucking sober. I know what is right and wrong.” I got back up and he head-butted me again. That’s when he broke my nose.
He knocked me out for a few seconds. Then he grabbed my head and started smashing it into my bedside table. I still got back up, but that’s when I lost my shit. There is a certain point where even the calmest of people with snap. After endless trauma – I finally snapped and fought back for myself. My daughter woke up. I tried calling the police but he grabbed my phone and threw it.
I told my little girl quietly “Can u please find mummy’s phone and call 000 and ask for police? Please.” I distracted him and I attacked him. I jumped on his back. I punched him a few times. He put me in a headlock. The only thing I could do was swing punches to try and stop him. I was biting and scratching him, trying to get free. The police came.
They took photos and statements. My abuser did a video statement. He blamed it all on me and said that I had been abusing him for a while his words were: “Because she’s a staunch chick, you know.” Because I didn’t have many visible marks on my body at that point, I got blamed for it all!
I got a DVO but only to be of good behaviour to him. I took photos each day as my injuries began to show. I took the kids, the next day and ran up to Bundaberg where my mum was staying and where some family live. Thankfully, one police officer believed me and they breached him. The police extended his DVO and changed his conditions so he could not even approach my house. I moved back to Brisbane but didn’t tell him where I lived. He found out and moved into the same street.
Even though he beat me black and blue I felt guilty when he was jailed…
He was constantly coming to my house, screaming abuse at me – even though the DVO stated he could not approach my house. He didn’t give a shit – it was just a piece of paper. He bombarded me with constant bullshit, constant abuse, constant telling me what I did wrong and how shit I was. It never stopped. He never stopped telling me I was the abusive one. He would call me, screaming abuse at me telling me I was too fucking stupid to know anything and that he wasn’t abusing me – that I was the one that was abusing me.
One day I had my friend over. I got a call from one of my abuser’s mates telling me to come and pick him up because “he is flipping at everyone”. I told the guy to “go and get fucked”. He ended up rocking up anyway and pushing his way in – screaming abuse at me. He couldn’t even walk up the stairs. He crawled up the stairs. He saw our son and flipped out at me for cutting his hair without his permission.
His hair hadn’t even been cut. my daughter was terrified. I kept telling him to leave but he wouldn’t. My daughter ran upstairs to my friend and hid under the blanket and kept telling her she didn’t like my abuser because “he hurts mummy, he hurts mummy”. Once he tried to punch me but he didn’t get me properly. I told him to “get the fuck out”. My front door had a dead bolt but he couldn’t open the door so he screamed at me to “open the fucking door you stupid fat slut”. He would always tell me I was fat.
He turned to me and punched me in the face while I was holding our son. I just looked at him in total and utter shock. He ran off. I have never been in so much pain. I yelled out to my friend who had already called police telling her to Come down he punched me in the face. I just sat on the floor holding my boy and holding my face it was stinging so bad felt like it was burning.
My friend asked for an ambulance as well. I had a bad concussion and a fractured cheek bone. The police found him just up the road. That’s when he finally got put in jail. I got a call two days later when I was hiding at my friend’s house. It was a a police officer telling me my abuser was behind bars. I felt so bad. I felt like it was my fault. My friend kept telling me “it’s OK. It’s finally over.”
He got a six-month sentence but got let out in under three months on parole. Since then he hasn’t hit me but the mental and emotional abuse has been non-stop. I have no feelings left for him at all. It makes me angry that I even let myself be played like a pawn in his game.
And when he wasn’t beating me, he was raping me…
I lost count of how many times I was made to have sex with him. I didn’t know that it wasn’t OK. You never know it isn’t OK when you are going through it. I was his play toy and I did everything he said just to keep the peace. It didn’t matter if I said “no”. “No” didn’t mean anything to him at all. So many times I would be crying because I didn’t want to do something he made me do – and then he would scream at me for crying. It didn’t matter how much pain I was in as long as he was satisfied – that’s all he cared about.
One day I told my doctor recently what he was doing to me. She told me it was rape. She said that it wasn’t OK and that he could be charged for it. All I ever thought about during it was just “shut your mouth. Take it so it keeps him happy and so he doesn’t lose his shit.” I hoped he would hurry the fuck up and got it over and done with.
I now no longer enjoy sex at all. What he did to me was never what I wanted and it wasn’t something that I enjoyed. He made not enjoy it or want it. That isn’t how it’s supposed to be. It was horrible. I have to completely block it out of my memory. My message to you is don’t ever let someone own your body. You have to choose what you want and not allow someone else to tell you what you want.
My children gave me the strength to survive…
He completely destroyed me! Everything about me mentally but I’ve rebuilt it! I now know I can do it! It is like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. If you’re in an abusive relation do not ever think you need to stay for any reason. Do not ever let anyone tell you that they know you better then you know yourself – that’s absolute bullshit. Do not ever let anyone tell you how bad you are and how shit of a person you are.
They are just degrading and controlling you. They make you think like you can’t ever be with anyone better than them and they want you to think that no one else would want you! Get out. I wish I stopped that relationship a long time ago. I am finally free. You have no idea how great that feels after years of abuse. I was only with him for two years and suffered another two years of his abuse but he still managed to destroy me. I always had two gorgeous little people – my children – and they helped me not get defeated by my abuser. ♥️
If you are in domestic violence crisis help is available from the Australia-wide telephone hotline 1800RESPECT. If you want to take part in the “Why I Stayed” project click here ♥️♥️♥️
Photograph by Sherele Moody © 2016.